17.03.2006  Howdy, there. Man, do I have a headache... And I feel all weird again. The flat is strewn with boxes and all sorts of things that used to lead quiet lives in the dark cupboards, only to be dislodged when the time came to move, looking strange and out of place in the light of day. The shelves are bare and dusty, and all the books are laying dormant in their cardboard boxes. Yeah, I guess moving out does little good for my shaky sanity. The move almost got postponed, by the way. Our house has been having a bit of a problem with the elevator lately, the thing being out of action for a few days. We had to climb stairs to the 6th floor, not fun. Especially when laden with heavy shopping or garbage bags... The geriatrics in our building were practically trapped. But the plucky fellows from the elevator company managed to fix it today, so I guess the move is still on. Oh, and I might be cut off from the net for about 10 days as a result. Anyway, I'm sort of thinking of going out today, although it might already be too late, as it's 20:50 and I still haven't made any arrangements, plus beer isn't sold after 21:00 in the stores. And with every passing moment I just feel more like simply staying at home and watching telly while playing something on my PC or listening to mp3's... By the way, I've sorta discovered Pink Floyd, or at least a few of their songs (like High Hopes, The Great Gig In The Sky, The Fletcher Memorial Home...). And guess how? My mum gave me a CD to listen to in the car! I don't know, it just strikes me as a tad funny... And hey, if any of you have a favorite Floyd song you'd like to recommend, just drop me a line in the comments... And in case you're wondering about that last pic, well we finally went sledding with my ex (hmm, that felt weird), for the first time in 3 years. The next day winter ended, the snow started melting and the air smelled of spring. I think I'm done for tonight. Links, then. Check out this basketball player... Then it's time for an unintentially hillarious video of Iranian policewomen training! And then a completely different approach to female beauty with this sweet red head. |
 Guess it's sports day...  Last day of winter. |
| 12.03.2006 A month has passed since my last post, a whole long, torturous month. Never has a month been this slow to pass before, and I don't recall one ever having been this full of uncertainty and ceaseless mental anguish... It has been hell, a hell of distorted reality, a hell from which there is no escape, a personal hell that exists only in that holiest of holies, your mind. Things that one takes for granted, like thought and imagination, reality and identity, suddenly become as incomprehensible and alien as the Voynich Manuscript, defying any understanding and distorting your sense of reality to the point where the old, comfortable you that you've lived with all of your life becomes something monstrous and terrifying, something you want to flee, but can't, because that monster, that alien entity that has invaded your mind is you. So yeah, that's what I've been living with these past couple of months. Existing, rather, from day to day, fighting the scary urge to end it all and be free from the intolerable burden of existence and individuality. My sense of reality stretched so thin that I have begun doubting the fact of my own existence, not to mention that of the people surrounding me. And unlike psychosis, when you actually believe the arising delusions, in my case I knew those delusions to be false, and that made them all the scarier, made me fear for what was left of my sanity... But enough about that. I can go on about this topic for ages, coming nowhere near conclusion. Let's focus on progress and improvement, shall we? First of all, I finally managed to get myself a good shrink, and for free, too! Thing is, I visited a school psychiatric nurse when I attempted to return to studying after the winter holidays. I suffered a complete (very embarrassing but somehow relieving) nervous brake down at her reception as I was describing my symptoms, which alarmed her to such a degree that she gave a call to an acute therapy section of a certain mental health clinic she used to work at and got me an evaluation time just a few days away! It was great, a team (!) of skilled shrinks finally listening to my problems, making me feel that there might be a resolution to them after all. It has now been going on for a couple of weeks, and the psychiatrist decided not to put me on any special medication (thank gods!), ruling that I "only" have a severe clinical depression and OCD... Since then I have been much better, I must say. Every day brings a certain amount of relief, a certain re-acquaintance with myself and the world. Every morning is still a struggle, and every day full of ups and downs, but I think I'm slowly clawing my way back to normalcy... The only positive thing about this awful experience is that I've lost a shitload of weight, dropping from a rather robust 81kg to an almost normal 73kg in two months. Another 2 - 3 kilos off and I'm fine. Other than all the horrors described above, life is, for lack of a better word, normal. I am moving out of this flat and moving in to my mother's apartment (luckily sáns mother, since she lives with my stepfather) on the 19th, which means that a relationship spanning almost 3 years has now come to an official end... Which might explain my depression all by itself, I guess. Anyway, this ended up being a rather boring post, didn't it? I think I'll go read something or play BF2, but first I must tend to the dishes... Oh, and I guess I should dump some links while I'm at it. Nerdy links. And what says nerdy better than D&D? Find out which D&D character you are. And here you can satisfy your curiosity and find out how things are made. Pretty much any things. And now for some photographic goodness, old Moscow in photos. And remember all those old sci-fi novels claiming staggering technological advances by now? See the future according to those novels in "Tales of the future past"! And, as a coup de grace, a nice article titled "15 answers to creationist nonsense". |
 The woman should keep out of the kitchen. |
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