28.02.2005   I think it's time for me to promise never to drink again... Ever. Oh boy... I'm sitting here, stomach still upset after the revelries of the weekend. In fact, I am on the verge of giving the fuck up and just flopping back on the couch, but if I do that it'll take me another few days to write a blog entry.   Anyway, Saturday was the day it all started. Our landlord decided to bring over some prospective tenants, and my bosses came back from Azerbaijan, so I had to pick them up, thereby giving me a convenient chance to get away. So out I walk, come up to the car, start scraping some snow off, and I hear this tinkling noise every time I shake the car. Thinking it's just ice sliding off the rear window, I sit in the car and slam the door shut. Which is when the rear window fucking partially collapses and I notice a draft in the car tickling the back of my head. I get out, in a bit of a daze, and yep, there it is. Some asshat smashed my fucking rear window during the night. The bosses had to take a cab, and I had to go down to the police station to fill some papers for the insurance...   Then it was off to Gabi's birthday party, his 25th. A lot of people, a lot of old, familiar faces... A lot of booze and a lot of food. We're talking about a classic Russian birthday party here. Anyway, as far as I can remember, it was a blast. Talked a lot, and drank even more. Which is why I guess I woke up at one point to an empty room full of equally empty bottles, with Bonus as my only companion, trying to light a fire in the fireplace. That was surreal. Just a blink ago I was having a blast, and then I suddenly discover that everyone's gone. The next thought is "How the fuck am I going to get home?". But somehow we did get home (the scary bit is that I don't remember how) and I crashed by my girlfriend after putting Bonus on the couch. Then, according to girlie, we both started to snore. She wasn't amused, apparently. Silly girl.   The whole of yesterday was spent first puking, then sleeping (until 9pm!), then getting up and running out for some junk food, then puking some more, and then sleeping again. In other words, Gabi's 25th birthday was a great success... Long live Gabi!   Ugh. I feel the urge to purge again. Here, grab em' links while they're hot. Right now I feel as heavy as if I were at Saturn. Measure your weight on other planets... Oh, and this one's funny! Iraqis are demonstrating against Saturday off because, and get this, it's a Jewish holiday (kudos to Vera's log on this one). A perfect example of the rampant antisemitism in the Middle East. And while we're on the subject of the middle east, read the 5 misconceptions about Islam. A biased source, you'll no doubt scream, but the points are no less valid for that, if harsh.	Oi vei..! The party's over, folks.
25.02.2005   Blah. You know, this driving to work thing gets old pretty fucking quick. I mean, no matter which way you turn it, it's still work. The novelty of getting to it fast wears off, believe you me. Yes... Luckily, since the bosses are in Azerbaijan, the office is blissfully quiet and free of any kind of stress. At first I thought it would give me time to surf the net and generally waste time free of repercussion. But no! Somehow, now that the "big brother" isn't watching, I found my productivity increasing. Yeah, no shit. Me, the man of non-existent work ethics, is being persuaded to work by his own consciousness. Tsk tsk. What has the world come to indeed. By the way, I have no idea why I went off on the whole work tangent again. So let's kill it off now, while it's still young and weak.   Today the dreaded paper came tumbling down through the mail slot. That paper portends some serious gut-wrenching moments of abject terror to come. If you are wondering what in the the flying fuck was it that dropped through the mail slot (and you probably are, since you are still reading this), well let me tell you a story. A sad, sad story. A story about a boy that was afraid of flying. Yeah. This ain't no artsy-fartsy metaphoric bullshit. This sad young man was really, pathetically, afraid of airplanes. He had suffered bad panic attacks mid-flight, he had to be taken off from taxiing planes, he went into palpitations as soon as somebody mentioned flying, he was, in other words, pretty much a hopeless case. His folly went as far as turning down a few free trips to the U.S. of A. because of his incurable fear. And those trips would have had him stay in 4 star Florida hotels, which is equivalent to, what, about 6 hypothetical stars in Northern Europe..?   You have probably guessed by now that the younge man in question is me, yours truly that is. Yes, I have a debilitating fear of flying. And before you ask, let me tell you that I've flown more than your average landlubber. I started flying at about 6 months old (according to me mum), and for the first 10 years of my life I flew Aeroflot only. About 4-6 times a year. Try that one on for size... I've always hated flying, or rather, I did for as long as I can remember... None the less, I did manage to fly a glider once, and I did fly on a small private plane, too. I just hate the huge motherfuckers.   So back to the dreaded paper that slithered through that treacherous mail slot. Thing is, I've decided to turn a new leaf in my flying life. Sort of. I've been turning that leaf for the past few years, to tell the truth. Now I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to take one of those fabled (90% success rate, I hear) aviophobia therapy courses provided by Finnair. Those courses include a bit of flying, and a lot of group therapy. The course accepts only 15 "patients" at a time, and they have about as much specialists supporting them. In the end, they take one special flight together, and then you get to choose a city in Europe to fly to for your "graduation flight". I think I'll take Rome. Never been to Italy, see. And tis' chock full of history that I so admire...   Seriously though, I am really anxious about the whole thing. I kinda signed up for it, under pressure from my bosses, but still have to fill in the paper that dropped through my mail slot. That paper will seal my fate. I get anxious and panicky simply thinking about it... And that's plain stupid, I know. That's why I'm taking the course.   Now I've worn myself out with all that typing. I'm tired and drunk, so lemme just dump my links and go to bed, yes? This dump is going to be dedicated to all the cat lovers out there. First of all, a detailed mapping of an average cat brain. Then, as if that wasn't enough, a shocking expose on feline homosexuality. Truly perverse and shocking stuff, that. Almost as shocking as what Tolkien officially said about Elf sex... I now want to have Elf sex, dammit. Ah, Galadriel... Sigh.   /EDIT Oh yeah. This just in. Could it be the end of the cease-fire? And, gasp of suprise, brougth on by the holy islamic martyrs?	Today I recycled 6 Eur worth of beer bottles. I rock!
22.02.2005   Ah, what a blessing it is to be able to drive to work! I am sick and tired of windswept bus stops, getting splashed by cars driving by and having my cojones frozen off in temperatures below -10C (I still haven't gotten around to buying long johns). Yes, that's right. For the past two mornings I've had wheels propellin' my ass to work. Much faster than a bus, too, I might add. And no, I didn't buy a car. What, do I look that stupid? Those things cost an arm and a leg to maintain (as in gas, insurance, parking...), not to mention the purchase cost itself. No, I am driving a company car. The top executive ladder (all two of them) went off to Azerbaijan to conduct business negotiations with some bank. And I got the car! For a week! Lucky me. Although that brings me to the grievous injustice of the day...   I parked my car in town today, since I wanted to browse some books at the Academic Bookstore. I got a bit carried away, as always, and overstayed the time I was alloted by the parking meter. As I come back, 6 minutes late, what do I see? A fucking parking ticket! Oh boy. I felt my pulse sky-rocket as I read the ticket. I thought I was going to have an aneurysm, or that my head would explode in a glorious shower of blood, it was that bad. With eyes filled with blood, I scanned the surroundings for a "meter maid", but I failed to notice one. That was one lucky meter maid, lemme tell ya! Thing is, the ticket was timed only a minute after my parking time expired. The fucking vulture was probably circling the car for minutes, waiting. Man, even as I type this I once again want to rip the head off from her/his shoulders. In impotent fury I let out a blood-curdling howl (in the city center at peak shopping hours!), startling a few people nearby and a bum dumpster-diving beside the car, that died down to horrible curses muttered in Russian... That wasn't quite enough. I looked for something to vent my anger on, and didn't come up with anything better than kicking the hub of my car's wheel. Baaaad idea..! I kicked a bit too hard, and the metal hub was far from soft. The searing burst of pain that shot up my leg infuriated me even further, I ripped open the door of my car, jumped in, ripped the door closed and started bashing the steering wheel, attracting further attention by the honks. At this point I managed to collect myself enough to start the car up, and revving all the way into the red, I burst into the traffic like a rocket, wheels screaming bloody murder! I have no idea how I survived the trip to the home neighborhood... But I did get there awful fast.   Did that sound a bit crazy? Well, I get those rages from time to time. Now I find the whole thing more funny than aggravating, except for the fact that I have to pay 40Eur to the parking nazies. The only thing I am worried about is my toe... The poor bugger is swollen and incredibly sore, the nail is broken and I think I'm going to lose it... How the fuck am I supposed to put my right shoe on tomorrow morning? Guess I shoulda thought of that before I kicked the wheel...   Ah, here is something you probably shouldn't lose temper while doing... Awesome card houses! Oh yeah, and a great guide on talking to deaf hookers. Might come in useful, you never know.	Drove past the coast today.
21.02.2005   I've been a busy boy over the weekend. I've accomplished epic things, moved mountains and cast lightning! Yea, verily, I did. First of all, on Friday, a team of my buddies and me had a little get together to discuss our summer plans, namely the annual bike trip. So far, we've agreed that it'll be held in Sweden, on the island of Öland. That brings me to the second bit of the plan. I plan on sailing there, either with an old friend on his yacht, or, if I succeed in buying one of my own, on two yachts. Yep. It'll be epic. Might stretch into a full month on board...   Anyway, during that get together we also drank some beer and played some board & card games. "Settlers of Catan" and "Munchkin", to be precise. Sounds like your normal Friday night, huh? Twenty-somethings playing board games... Exacerbated by the fact that my girlfriend was out watching the "Hunks" (Finnish version of the chippendales, I guess) and getting thoroughly wasted in one of the most prominent new clubs in Helsinki, Studio 51. Anyway, I had fun. "Settlers of Catan" (preferably pronounced "Settlers of Satan") is a challenging strategical game of commerce. I sucked, naturally.   The next day I finally got to check out some of the second-hand boats on the market. I borrowed my mom's car, picked up my boat-savvy mate, and went off to look at the first offering. Turned out to be a complete piece of crap. Not only was it in a very bad shape cosmetically both inside and out, but it was a hazard to anyone who'd dare venture out to sea on it. Jeezus. And the guy who was selling it had the audacity to ask 5500 Eur for it. As my friend remarked, the scary thing is that, in the end, he'll probably manage to sell it. The second boat took me as far as Inkoo, about 45 Km from Helsinki. There we saw a pretty structurally sound boat, with good enough rigging, but with an atrociously moldy interior. Plus no heater and no proper cooker. And it's in bloody Inkoo. My friend says "buy", but I have my doubts.   So here I still am, so far boatless. Really sorry that the great boat deal (passingly described in the post below, I think) slipped away. So far, as I've said before, my main hope lays on the great spring sale. Oh, and if any of you out there know anyone selling a sailing boat for no more than 6000 Eur in the area of greater Helsinki, give me a mail, eh?!   Oh yeah, my dad came back from Mother Russia. The old eejit bought plots of land down in the far south, in hope that they'll eventually be worth more than they are now. In an area called the Russian Rivera, near Sochi. A sound enough plan, if Russia remains stable long enough for it to come to fruition. Anyway, remember the violent domestic drama that unfolded about a month ago? Well, it gets worse. His pregnant girlfriend just had a miscarriage. Yep. Carted away by the paramedics... Now I hope she has enough brains and willpower to cut & run. Poor thing.   Enough. This post has ran on for long enough. Here, have fun and pornography. For fun, play a great racing game! Extremely impressive for an online game, if a bit hard. For the promised pornography... Well, um. There's plenty of chicks here, I guess.	A game of satanic commerce.
17.02.2005   I'm sorry. No, really. I am.  I shoulda been updating more frequently instead of withdrawing in on myself like I did. But that's always the easiest way to go, ain't it? So don't blame me for weakness of soul. Besides, I've been pretty bored and maybe even a bit depressed, rarely wanting to do more than head straight to bed after work. Bed is usually warm and nice. Sometimes I am visited by curious cats or a girlfriend. But usually all three are watching TV. Yeah, life sure is fun. Slipping away, eaten up by work and the cruel winter.   Today was interesting. Went to work, did boring Army stuff, came home. Btw, still not totally cured. Leaking liters of snot and my sinuses are shot to hell. I probably need not mention that I still have coughing fits. Anyway, came home, had some snacks, a bit of white cheese with cream crackers. Started feeling a bit drowsy. Just as I was falling asleep I started feeling queasy. Really queasy. Ran to the bathroom just in time to aim the jet stream of my vomit into the toilet bowl... After spending a few minutes emptying my stomach I felt infinitely better.   Where was I? Yes, the white horror of winter... No, wait. Oh, me and an old school mate of mine visited the Helsinki Boat Show. 'Twas fine. As usual, the show was 95% motorboats and 5% sailing yachts. Of those 5% about half were broad plasticy things designed for charter (i.e. two showers, two guest cabins, almost as wide as they are long...). So no real positive surprises there. Sigh. My own boat is still in the process of being bought. Today I witnessed a great deal slip away under my nose. Damn. Well, the main spring sale is still ahead. Here's hoping.   What else... Oh. Yes... I lost my precious. My Palm Pilot. Stupid, really. Forgot my jacket in a pizzeria by my workplace, then came back for it a few hours later. The mid-eastern minority on the other side of the counter handed me over the coat, with it's pockets emptied. I dunno, it might have been some other customer. Or then one of the pizzeria workers pocketed it. One of the ten pizzeria workers. 3 work and the others hang out. I'm only consoled by the old proverb: easy come, easy go. It's not the loss of the thing itself, it's the loss of something I put so much time into, what with collecting all them e-books, little games, customizing the OS... Cock, I say.   And I bet you want links now. Fine, fine. Here, for instance, is The Million-Dollar Qur’an Challenge. And if that's not up your alley, well, uh, not my problem. Here's a nice inspired article on democracy in the middle east.	Winter = Death Me wants.
13.02.2005 - Very early in the AM.   Behold! I have been cured! Verily, I am brimming with virile zest for life and youthful energy! Yea, my friends and foes, I. Have. Been. Cured! Once again, my fragile shell of a body is in full control of itself and ready to get back to the business of living. It took me almost a week, though. Boy, I haven't had a flu this bad for many years.   In the end, what saved me from untimely demise turned out to be the Doc I visited in the previous post. He told me I had Acute Bronchitis and an inflammation of my vocal cords to boost. Yay. So he prescribed me antibiotics and some cough medicine with a morphine derivative (Ethylmorphine, I think it was called) in it, plus some pills that were supposed to help me cough up even more mucus. Of course, I was told to be real careful with the dosage of the morphine cough syrup. I tried, I swear to, um, God. I only took a double dose once. And now we come to the only drawback of these assorted drugs, namely that they were pretty fucking boring, even though I was almost promised a lot of exciting side effects. All I got from my "morphine" syrup was dizziness and sleepiness, and the others didn't have any effects except for the curing ones. Dull. Not like that time I had horrible back-pains, and got military grade painkillers. They made me unable to walk almost as soon as I took them, and so I laid giggling uncontrolably on my back, watching telly till I passed out, which always happened about an hour after I took them. I was told that it was "perfectly normal" by the Doc later. Damn, those pills were nice. Except for the time I forgot to have a piss before taking one. That was... Unplesant.   Anyway, to celebrate my return to life, I shall post a link to an animated guide to kamasutra. Maybe one of you'll get a back pain and land those crazy painkillers, eh? And up next is a wonderful guide on, uh, getting man boobs. Not the kind you think, either. Oh, for fucks sake, just click on the link. Surprise your girlfriend next time you go out together. Me over and out.	Goodbye, my boring friends.
09.02.2005 Yom-huledet sameakh, Gabi!   I'm afraid that's it. The time has come to for me to kick the bucket, cash in my chips, start pushing up the daisies... But all in all I've had a good run. Almost a quarter of a century of glorious living! Many people don't even live that long (Billy the Kid, Sid Vicious, Buddy Holly...)! And look at all that I have accomplished, too! Ok, I'd rather you didn't, after all. I have no idea why I'm comparing myself with famous people here. Must be the 38.7C (101.3F) fever speaking. I mean typing. It's been a shitty week so far, with lung-wrenching cough, hellish throat-ache, annoying muscle ache and sweat-drenched nights aplenty. The stupid Burana fever dampeners/painkillers I'm taking don't really help anymore, they just get the fever down to about 37.5C for a few hours, and neither does anything else. I am now quite ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. I even have the funeral music selected (download it here!). Expect your funeral invitations in the mail any day now!   On the other hand, I expect my doctor to disagree and wreck all my thorough deathbed planning. I'll be seeing the hapless hack tomorrow, and I bet my left testicle that he will spend an expensive (well, for the taxpayer. Wait, that's me!)hour trying to convince me I'm not dying. Hah! Finnish doctors... What do they know, huh? Anyway, all this typing has made me weak, I think I'll go lie down and make peace with myself while I still can.   Oh, don't be sad. I know you only read the blog for the occasional porn link! So here is your filth fix, all the celebrities in Playboy. EVER! Ok, that's really enough now. I feel like I'm about to pass out. Then the fucking cats will eat me for sure. So goodbye.	"To be administered rectally!" - Nah, just kidding.
06.02.2005   Groan... Oh nonexistent father which art in heaven, please lift this horrible affliction from my ailing body! Remember me whining about being a bit under the weather yesterday, prior to the designated driver gig? Well, towards the end of the night I felt like I had an irate porcupine lodged in my larynx. So here I now sit, wrapped in a blanket, every joint and muscle sore, sipping my warm flu drink (Finrexin Neo) in front of my computer. With my fever slowly rising. It feels like ages since I've been ill, as in actually running a fever, despite what my employer thinks. Oh, there have been a lot of hypochondriac episodes, but nothing actually real. And now I am paying the price. As long as I'm taking my fever meds (painkillers?) I'm okay, but as soon as I get off them, it's all muscle ache and trembling limbs. Plus I've got to go see some more flats with my girly tomorrow.   She's like totally obsessed with the whole moving thing now, wish she'd take it a bit easier. But I guess that's the way she is. And it's not like you can do these things half way, right? Well, I would. But then it would take us a few months to move (but it's not like we're in a hurry, IMHO). So far we have about three possible apartments on the list, we'll see what'll come out of that...   Oh yeah, about yesterday's driving gig? Well, the driving was fun. Hanging around the bar completely sober and watching ugly Russian chicks dance was not. Oh, ok, there were some nice ones there too, fine. And when it was ok for me to finally drink, I turned down the offer and went home to sleep instead, I was that tired and sick.   Now I think I'll go play some AO. Here's my character info, btw. But before that, some links. This chick wanted to look like Beyonce. Ouch. To take off the stress from having to see that, play some Notepad Invaders. And since all of you like your pr0n, here's a nice photoshoot featuring Barbie & Ken. Hot shit! To counter balance that, here's some real art. Great stuff, funny, nostalgic, and wonderfully drawn. Shame about the image size though.	It's not stuck up my ass, ok?
05.02.2005   Hullo! Today promises to be a weird, if interesting (hopefully), day. You see, yesterday, while "helping" my friends build an aquarium, I unwittingly signed myself up to be a designated driver for tonight. Yeah, I, instead of being a normal boy cheerfully killing braincells on a Saturday night, will remain completely sober and selflessly drive my inebriated bunch of friends from one bar to another, in a -94 VW Golf 1,8 (something like this) belonging to the culprit behind the "designated driver" idea.. I already tested it out, and it seems to be a decent enough car, although the gears are stiff and the brakes feel somewhat weak. I already dropped my buddies off at a birthday party, and will be picking them up around 2300, then going to Barfly for an hour or two (I think), and after that to the Stella Star Club, where it seems a Russian party will be held. As I stated before, my only worry is that I will be unbelievably bored, what with being (probably) the only sober person in our company. And I bet I'll be dying for a drink, too... After all, there was this one incident the last time I was a designated driver... To put it short, I had a few pints, here and there. Wrecked the company Chrysler, still owe the company some money. That was back in 2001...   Another thing is that I seem to be slowly getting sick. For the past week or so my cough seemed to be getting a bit worse with every day that passes, and my throat a bit more sore. I guess I should start doing some serious self-medication tomorrow. Or then I've caught a killy disease and am about to die. Just because one is a hypochondriac doesn't mean those things can't happen to you, right?   Anyway, I've got to go make myself presentable now, as in wash hair, de-fumigate them deadly armpits... So will dump a some linkses now, as befits the tradition. So, do you think you know the locations of each state in the US of A? Test your knowledge!. I knew about half, maybe... Oh, and talking about the US of A, here is a cool gallery by the US army photographers, "The year in photos, 2004". Really nice snaps there, even if you aren't (it's back in fashion) the biggest fan of the US military. And to end thing on a funny note, a Saudi Defense Minister Prince Sultan stated that "Osama bin Laden was sent by the Jews" at a meeting of Saudi leaders in preparation for the kingdom's international conference on counterterrorism. Hah! That's hilarious stuff. I mean, you can't think this stuff up on your own. The rabid, paranoid antisemitism of the Arab & Moslem nations, while being no laughing matter, has never ceased to amaze me! The depth of their delusional fantasies is so great and fascinating that one sometimes can not take it for real. Although what do you expect, with Qur'an fully supporting it (for instance, Suras 2:62-65, 5:59-60, and 7:166)...	The Aquarium! Fishes still stressed out & hiding.
04.02.2005   We've been out watching some flats today. Why? The thing is, we're tired of paying an arm and a leg for our dinky little place in the armpit of Helsinki that is Kontula (link goes to a Kontula-themed gallery) . 646 Eur! For 43 square meters in a wino-infested bumhole of a house built in 1976! Although I must admit that it is only a couple of hundred of meters from the metro and the infamous Kontula mall... So I went on the net a while ago and found quite a few places out there cheaper and better than our own. That's when it sort of went out of control. My girl went all excited and before I knew it, she booked a few appointments... And we went flat-watching today (it also gave us a chance to have some Chinese for lunch, hence the pic of the day). Nice! Although my chequered credit history might put off some landlords... So here's hoping we will get something. Both better and cheaper.   And now it's time to go out and do something friday'ish! Uh. Sorta. I am in a bit of a hurry, thing is I am on my way to help a bunch of friends fix up a big-ass aquarium. Or then that's just a pretext they invented to get together and drunk. Dunno. Will see. The thing is, I'm already late. Gotta run, promised to be there half an hour ago!   Oh, yes, linkses. Of the top of my head, uh, quick, quick, quick... Got it! A nerd test! Do share the score in the comments... And if that's not enough, well, porn's always good. Here's some babe called Camilla Sjöberg, and a couple of random chicks.	Uh, just a closeup of a chinese statue...
02.02.2005   Yes, tis been a while again... I guess I needed a break. I am not by any means your ordinary blogger, as I am not by any means a slave to my blog, like so many "serious" bloggers out there seem to be.   In any case, things have been going well, in a boring, predictable way, with little of importance happening. Work, home, stuff... Lots of Anarchy Online. In other words,I've been really lazy. The only thing worth mentioning is that my monitor finally gave up the ghost. Yes, I finally bough a new monitor. After I brought the new baby home, I disposed of my faithful old Sony... 7 years it gave me! 7 good years! Incredible... I guess that's what you get if you buy quality straight away. Anyway, it was with a heavy heart that I brought it to the recycling center. I just hope they make new baby monitors out of it, or something. Sniff.   As for now, well, I've just been out carting, 2 rounds of 10 min each, with my best time coming down to 29.570. Anything under 30 sec is pretty good, I think. Just proved to myself once again that motor sports are pretty fucking tough, physically. My arms are going to be really sore tomorrow.   And speaking of tomorrow... I have an appointment with a doc first thing in the morning, since I've developed a weird problem. A toenail of my right foot has begun growing all weird, and cut into my flesh, at the back, so now the whole area is bloody inflamed. What's worse, there seems to be some sort of puss collecting under the skin, and the whole thing hurts quite a bit. I won't be surprised if the doc decides that I'm better off without the toe.   I think I'll just stop now, as I feel that this has been one of the worst blog entries ever. I've just lost the touch somehow. Mayhap I'll get back on track later.   Oh yeah, it's exactly 4 months since I've quit smoking today. Meh. In honor of that... Ack, scrap it. Here, enjoy some found photos. The explanation as to how they were "found" can be read here. I think I'll go sulk now.	A fitting reward for 7 years of unfailing service...

Back to the main page

Death threats and marriage proposals can be sent to:
ASMODEANE  at  GMAIL  dot  COM