I just watched Beowulf, or rather, if you wanna be sticklers for truth, I watched it a few days ago in a desperate bid to fall asleep. Fall asleep I did. So it’s fair to say I watched 3/4 of Beowulf and subconciously listened to a 1/4 of it. I know Beowulf is last year’s news and hardly an issue anymore, but I had it on my HD for ages now, and finally took the time to watch it, and now feel the overwhelming urge to rant about it. The only thing I knew about the movie was that it had a CGI likeness of Angelina Jolie doing a “nude scene” in it, and what boy can resist a pair of 3D rendered boobies?
So yeah, I turn it on, and while I knew it’d be digitally enhanced and all, I had no idea it’d be a bloody CGI cartioon through and through. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my CGI cartoons. I do! But looking at that mess made me wonder what on earth were they thinking, wasting such a cast on a sub-par animation such as this! I mean, John Malkovich, Crispin Glover, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins… Great actors whose acting skills were horribly distorted by the forceful overlay of CGI veneer that muted their performance to that of an ordinary hack, or even worse, a completely synthetic automation utterly devoid of humanity. And don’t get me started on the uncanny valley syndrome. The puppets looked awful most of the time, just human enough to creep you out but not human enough to buy into their suffering and acting. I was constantly aware that the things on the screen were alien and just “playing” at being human, with somewhat unnerving results. The only moderately watchable character was Grendel, and that’s only because Grendel wasn’t trying to be real. Plus Crispin Glover put so much of his own brand of insanity into the wailings of the poor thing that you actually felt sorry for the slime covered bastard. So yeah, to sum it up, fuck it. Until CGI movie makers manage to incorporate technology such as this very life-like Ms. Emily into their movies I’m not interested. I’ll still watch, though…
This rant was brought to you courtesy of my workplace. I think I’ll thank them for their generosity by doing some work for a while now. Oh, but before that a few links, as is the time honored custom. Have you ever though of what it’d be like to have a vagina for a day or so? Hell, I’d batter the shit out of the thing and stick it full of bananas given an hour or two, but what would women do had they the chance of having a dick of their own for a day? Oh, and according to some doc, men are better at dealing with pain. Yeah, I guess he’s right. The article boils down to not bitching about it every 3 minutes, and having less emotional investment in it. Then for some comic relief. Remember the 84 year old Nigerian dude who had what, like 86 wives and was somewhat smugly advising against it while braggin about his God-given boning powers? Well, he was defending himself with the fact that he lived his life according to Koran, and had good reason to, since he himself is some sort of a religious scholar. But, and here comes the punchline, Niger has reinstated Sharia law in some of its states in 2000, and governing religious authorities have now told him to cut down to four bitches or share die. Allahu akbar, indeed.