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Monkeys are awesome

December 19, 2013
By Asmodeane in Posts

Perpetrator, Victim, Loser

Perpetrator, Victim, Loser

I saw two monkeys fuck today. It was amazing! The guy monkey was done in seconds, then pulled his tiny red pecker out of the screeching female and retreated, leaving a thin, extremely long strand of sperm stretching from him to the victim (for Nature knows no consent). The female seemed to belong to another guy’s harem, so that guy screeched a little ways off, impotently baring his dirty yellow fangs at the banging couple. Poor Beta. No offspring for you!

This wonderful glimpse into nature’s ways happened at Railay, where we went after Phi Phi Islands. Oh, the last night on Phi Phi went fine, although not as well as planned. The Brits (again with the bloody Brits!) upstairs kept stomping like elephants, although it seems that the shoddy construction of the hotel complex was to blame for the drum-like acoustics. Girly also suggested we form a society to fight heel-walking, but I found it to be unnecessary and vetoed her suggestion, as the suggested methods of resistance were too reminiscent of ones employed by the Third Reich against a certain much suffering ethnic minority.

We woke up early (I’d once again love to place the blame solely on the stomping Brits but we did have an alarm clock set to wake us up as well), and walked all the way to the Northern end of the Long Beach, to a place called “Shark Point” to try and catch a glimpse of the elusive cartilage fish. It was a futile little excursion, but gave me a chance to end Jim Gaffigan’s abortion of a book, “Dad is Fat“, and start on a much more interesting read by Clay Blair, called “Hitler’s U-Boat War: The Hunters, 1939 - 1942“. After the exhausting trek back to the hotel and a quick shower we took a very comfortable (tinted windows and aircon!) ferry to Railay peninsula.

Railay: East, West and Tonsai beaches

Railay: East, West and Tonsai beaches

The trip took only an hour and a half, and brought us to the West Railay Beach, where longtail boats picked us up (Railay has no deep-water pier and the beaches are very shallow) and dropped us off at the Hat Ton Sai beach, the most ramshackle beach of the three beaches that compose Railay. Ton Sai is home to Rastas, surfers, climbers, base jumpers and general hippie-wannabees, losers and downshifters. It also boast the cheapest accommodation options and the chillest bars. An easy choice, in other words. We stayed at the Paasook bungalows for the first night, where we were offered three choices, rape rooms for 400 Bhat, somewhat less rape-y rooms for 600 Bhat, and a big bungalow for 800 Bhat. We settled on the big bungalow, even though that 800 Bhat didn’t get us AC or hot water, not to mention WiFi. Electricity was also in limited supply, with the diesel generators somewhere deep in the jungle right behind the resorts rumbling non-stop from 6pm to 6am (some are on 24/7 for stores and restaurants but not tourist accommodation), and the lights flickered to such an extent that I didn’t risks plugging any of my electronics in, lest my adapters fry. I liked the bungalow, it was spacious and sort of cute in a 3rd world way, but girly was kinda squeamish about it. The pillows sucked, true, the sheet-rock walls were painted lime green and the bed looked like a prime breeding ground for the dreaded bed bugs, but it wasn’t all bad, really. We decided to look for other options for our last two days on Railay, though. Having walked about comparing bungalows and rooms we settled on Mambo Bungalows and Restaurant, that promised vacancies the following morning, where we paid 400 Bhat for a dingy little thatched bamboo hut that looked as if it was just about ready to collapse, but at least it had a descent bed and a good mosquito net. Massive savings, as we were running out of liquid assets.

One of the steps of the descent into the Lagoon

One of the steps of the descent into the Lagoon

We went to Railay West beach on the second morning, to search for the mythical exchange hut or at least an ATM (they charge 180 Bhat on top of every withdrawal, plus whatever fees VISA or MC imposes, so not cheap at all, don’t make our mistake and bring a lot of cash!), and to climb the look out point, and see the Princess Cave, Princess beach and an interesting inland lagoon.  The lagoon was at the bottom of about 100m deep shaft, and had no visually apparent connection to the sea, muddy and about 70 to 90m across. And boy did we have fun! The way up to the look out point turned out to be nearly vertical, with muddy knotted ropes and tree roots providing barely sufficient hand and footholds. The way up was fun though, if a little dirty and slightly scary. We made it up to the East Viewpoint, which was ok, and then made towards the Lagoon. Oh boy were we in for a surprise! There was no other way to get down other than to scale sheer walls with the aid of some alarmingly frayed ropes. The height alone was intimidating, the wall just falling off towards what looked like an infinite drop towards the murky blue water of the sleepy lagoon below. But at closer inspection it became apparent that there were only about 10 to 15 meters of sheer walls between small plateaus, and maybe about 5 stages that culminated at the sea level. The climb was super exciting, slippery and dangerous, with plenty of places to bruise or cut oneself (which we tried to avoid but, of course, ended up doing), and plenty of places where one could conceivably die due to inattention.

Tinkerbell, AKA Ginger Wonder, at the lagoon

Tinkerbell, AKA Ginger Wonder, at the lagoon

The lagoon itself, with its invitingly milky blue surface, was too dirty to swim in, even though some, like a couple from Poland, did. We were sweating and bleeding, out of breath, but oh so very happy! There was a cave on the opposite end of the lagoon with some clay “statues”, we had to squeeze through some rather tight places to get there and lose some more skin in the process, but it was well worth it. The place was fairly empty, since very few actually braved the climb down, there was a polish couple, a very young british couple (a Welsh fellow and a Cheshire gal that we hung out with on and off through out our Railay trip), and a couple of Koreans that started back pretty much as soon as we ascended. It truly seemed “earned”, that lagoon. No throngs of tourists, just a select few that dared..!

Your truly in majestic flight

Yours truly in majestic flight

The way up was a both a little harder and a little easier than the way down. You could see where you were going, but it exacted more physical effort to pull my once again overweight carcass over the razor sharp karst cliffs. We later went to the Princess Beach, overrun by nouveau rich Russians (the Princess Beach is home to the most expensive resort on Railay), and home to a cave filled with giant wooden dildos (as ancient fisherman offerings to the drowned princess, with a somewhat crude but sound logic behind them). There was also a cliff there that had a large sign in English and Thai that jumping off it is strictly prohibited, and people were of course jumping off it all the time. It was only about 10 or 12m high, so I took it as a challenge and climbed the cliff, only to discover that all of the jumpers on it were Russians like me, three guys ranging in age from 12 to 40, from Murmansk, Novosibirsk and Moscow, all unacquainted. Funnily enough it seems that the sign was a sufficient deterrent for all the other nations…

Now we’re sitting at our “resort” bar, with crickets chirping and reggae playing, enjoying the cool tropical night and planning our tomorrow. Girly is gonna take a climbing course and I am going to take pictures of her butt from below and read my book.  WiFi is costly, so I am going to upload this text later, maybe from Bangkok. Now I guess it is time for that one last beer. Total bliss…

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